Sometimes you are both a support for a survivor and a survivor yourself. We encourage you to read this letter and the letter written to survivors as well.
Being close to someone who has experienced severe abuse
It be difficult in various ways. Knowing that someone you care about has been seriously harmed can be extremely painful. You need to know that there is not one “right” or “normal” way to react; we react in different ways. Also, the circumstances and context of the abuse influence what your situation may look like.Regardless what your reactions are, the emotions can be intense and difficult to deal with.On this page we give some information that we hope can be useful to you. We hope that it can help you to support the survivor in moving on in life in a respectful way and that it can help you to handle your own reactions and feelings.
At this moment you may have various doubts and feelings. Maybe you find it difficult to know what to say or what to do? Maybe you feel anxious and/or overwhelmed by the situation, and maybe you yourself feel unsafe due to the circumstances? Maybe you feel very angry? Maybe it feels like life isn’t the same as it used to be before this happened? Maybe you feel very sad? Maybe you even feel shame or guilt about what happened? Maybe you feel like you haven’t been able to help the survivor so far? Or maybe you feel something else, that is not mentioned here? The doubts and feelings that you may experience, whatever they are, are understandable reactions to a very severe situation that the survivor – and indirectly you as well – have been exposed to.
What happened?
The person who has experienced severe abuse may be a family member, your partner, a friend, a colleague, a neighbor, or someone else who you are close to. We will refer to this person as the survivor, as it is someone who has survived something terrible and extremely unjust. Sometimes the word “victim” is also used. Maybe the survivor is a human rights defender, maybe he or she was suddenly stopped, abused in the local community or taken away? Maybe he or she knew about the threat of being abused, or maybe this was not the case? Maybe more people in the local community experienced severe abuse? Maybe you witnessed what happened to the survivor, or witnessed other survivors being abused? Maybe you were abused yourself or found yourself in a very difficult situation linked to reporting or something else?
Often the survivor will need help and support to move on in life. We will consider ways in which you as someone who is close to a survivor can care for and support the survivor. Social support from people who are close to us is one of the best types of support we can receive.
Sometimes it does not feel right to talk
Feelings of shame and guilt can sometimes be a reason why it does not feel right to talk about what happened. It can also be too painful and difficult to talk about it, both for the survivor and for you who are close to the survivor. Sometimes it can also be dangerous to talk about it, both for the survivor and for people who are close to the survivor. Sometimes survivors want to protect the people close to them by not telling them about the abuse.
If the survivor does not want to talk about what happened, you should respect this. It is the survivor who decides if she or he wants to talk about it or not. Also, it can be very difficult and painful to talk about the terrible things that happened to someone we care about. Being there for the survivor and making her or him know that you still care about her or him in the same way as before can be a good way to support the survivor. Believing that what the survivor tells you is true, can be important. Also, being respectful for the survivors’ needs and creating – as far as it is possible – a good and stable environment for the survivor can be helpful on its own.
We hope this information is useful, you can find more resources in the menu on this page.
Best wishes, The MHHRI team